I’m not certain how widely this fact is known- I don’t tend to disseminate it too much on my own. I have depression. It was first diagnosed my junior year of high school. It’s tied closely to my ADD- the more organized my life feels, the less I feel depressed, usually. That’s why I have so many neurotic habits and “tics”.

I am on medication which helps me deal with the ADD- which, despite some opinions out there, is a real disorder that wasn’t just made up by parents wanting to dose their kids with meds so they’ll be quiet (though this DOES happen and it IS wrong). I myself used to think this as a smart alec preteen. Now, well, I know differently. People with ADD have been shown to have brains that actually develop and react differently than those without it. There’s actually a really cool theory out there that ADD originally evolved as a survival technique to distinguish hunters from gatherers. I know that my ADD likely contributed to the traits that help me as a reporter- high energy, creativity, attention to detail, and of course, hyperfocusing- a totally cool symptom which allows people with ADD to focus intently on activities that interest them. This can be bad though- particularly one bad incident when, I, after a few weeks without ADD meds, hyperfocused on getting a friend stuffed animal otters for a birthday party instead of finishing a news story…

If I don’t have my ADD medicine for a long time, I turn into a mess. A day where I forget to take it isn’t a problem, but a lengthy extended time without it gets really chaotic. I’m not proud of this and I hope eventually to wean myself off the medicine, but right now, I know I need it.

Sometimes however, even with the medicine, I get very depressed and it’s difficult to get out of. It’s hard to describe- it’s like I’m too tired to do anything- everything seems like too much of an effort- and everyone, in my mind, hates me and is against me. It’s really hard to be nice sometimes when it’s all I can do to get out of bed in the morning.

I’ve recently had a bad patch of it- I think due to a lot of things- the removal of the stimulation I had daily in London and the changing of scenery from something really exciting to something not quite as so (read: Dallas isn’t so exciting). Plus the change from having four roommates my own age to hang out with and talk to about everything to living with my parents for the first time in two years has been intense. Then there’s the simple fact that here in Texas, I don’t walk around as much or get outside as much- it’s very much a driving society so I drive everywhere. As exercise is a proven way of keeping both ADD and depression under control, this change has definitely contributed. Of course there’s other stuff as well I’d rather not get into.

Depression has this stigma with our society. I have to admit I’m afraid to post this up here in some ways- afraid that it’ll keep someone in the future from hiring me, or make my friends not want to be around me anymore. I don’t want to dwell on this- but it’s happened before- it was a very lonely, isolating time. It’s hard for me to blame them in some ways though- depression is a very selfish disorder that doesn’t leave a lot of room for being friendly.

I remember how angry I was once when a guy in one of my classes said that he wouldn’t hire someone for a job if he found out they had depression. It was such an ignorant, awful thing to say. Depression is a real disorder that does cause problems, but with a lot of work, can be kept under control. I think I’ve done well with living a normal, happy, productive life, despite my recurring depression. The most obvious part to people outside my family of this most recent patch is my lack of desire to update my blog as much as I usually do, despite having tons of ideas for posts on the Iranian Revolution, Carrie Prejean, Jon and Kate Plus Eight, bioethics and law.

I’ve found a number of things that help me deal with the depression on a daily basis.

• It’s good to have a list of projects to work on- I’m currently working on decoupaging my old ratty guitar case with wrapping paper (it looks cool!), teaching myself “Free Fallin’” and “American Pie” on guitar, making a rug out of old t-shirts, stripping the paint off of a chair so I can paint it green, and slowly working my way through all the stuff in my room I’d like to donate. It seems like a LOT- and it is, but that way I always have something to do if I need it.
• Baking really helps me a lot. I love making sweet things while listening to music or watching stupid TV shows.
• Every time I walk outside of my house, I dress to impress. I usually wear skirts and high heels and try to match my accessories carefully. Yes, it takes me longer to get out of the door in the morning- but it works wonders for my self-esteem to be able to look in the mirror and say- damn you look good.
• It’s also nice sometimes to just sit and watch some Hulu. I love me some comedy. I’m currently rewatching all of Arrested Development.
• The one thing I REALLY should be doing that I’m totally not is exercising regularly. Exercise actually does a lot to combat depression. So does eating healthy. Comfort food, as wonderful as it is, does nothing to help the underlying problem.
• Listening to music chases away so many demons I can’t even explain it. Whenever I was pissed off or stressed about something in London, I’d put on some music and try to chill out. I do the same thing here- if I’m starting to stress about something, I crank up some Santana and sing and dance until before I know it, I’m feeling better.
• Being around people- hanging out with people. I am not always the most social person, but I love doing things and seeing people and joking around.
• I have found out recently that I absolutely have to get enough sleep at night- at least 6 hours. If I get less than that- I literally like, lose my will to move or do anything in the morning, and I basically end up in bed all day. It’s awful.
• And my newest tool for fighting off depression- holding a baby. It’s really hard to be depressed when I’m holding one of my nieces in my arms. Babies are just so beautiful and helpless that it’s hard to concentrate on your own problems when you’re just caught up in the wonder. (Please realize this comment bears absolutely no relevance to post-partum depression)
• And occasionally, doing something really randomly impulsive just because you’re sad and you want a change works too. : )

Pictures of my new hair color-

Before- The first time my hair had been its completely natural hair color in probably two years. I did it to see what it would look like, and then figured out that I don’t really like my own hair color that much. It’s kinda indecisive on whether its dark blonde, light brown, or kinda red. It’s so weird.

After! I tried to dye my hair blonde- or “warm medium golden blonde”, and well, it came out this color. Fairly ginger yeah? It’s not the light in the room- it really came out this strawberry blonde. I guess there’s more red in my hair than I think! Hah.

Let’s just say this is not the first of my impulsive hair changes…I could post a really funny photo gallery of some of my more interesting hair dye choices. Nothing crazy like Pink or anything (though I’d love to do that sometime), but still pretty humorous results. : P